"It's not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It's our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless." L.R. Knost,
"Oh my gosh, I don't want to pass this down to my kids!"
As we explore our own experiences with imposter syndrome, many of us realise that a lot of the pressures driving these feelings have been handed down through generations. It's a sobering realisation that often leads to a new worry: "How do I prevent my kids from feeling like imposters?"
I know this, because I speak to so many others who worry about it too.
First, let's take a deep breath. It's natural to want to protect your children from the self-doubt and anxiety that come with imposter moments. However, it's important to remember that our goal isn't to completely shield them from these experiences, but to equip them with the tools to navigate them effectively.
You are also human too, please remember that. Your children are also human too. You'll see later on how role modelling is one of the most valuable things we can do.
Even having any awareness and making any change makes you a circuit breaker. Perfect doesn't exist, so let's ditch this being another pressure and embrace the opportunity.
Full disclosure: I'm not a parent, but as a highly trained coach with a Masters in this area, specialising in imposter syndrome and personal development, I've studied this topic extensively. While I can't speak from personal parenting experience, I can offer insights based on research and professional observations. You'll find plenty of awesome resources and role models out there. You have my FULL respect as someone bringing up another human - you are incredible!
Understanding the Roots of the Imposter Experience
This is an awesome step one, because understanding where it can come from can help. We should also bear in mind at this point that everyone is different, and whilst these five narratives are common, there can also be other factors involved too.
Dr. Valerie Young, in her book "The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women," identifies five imposter archetypes, and these can be a useful reference. We'll go into each of these in a moment:
1. The Perfectionist
2. The Superwoman/man
3. The Natural Genius
4. The Soloist
5. The Expert
These archetypes often develop from early experiences and messages we receive. If we understand these messages when they were less helpful, it can help us to craft and embed more useful ones; for ourselves and for children.
Let's dive in a little more to each of these:
In each example, I'll explain a little more about the archetype, where we might learn it and some helpful re-learning experiences for us, and learning experiences for kids too. Remember, these are just that, examples and not exhaustive.
1. The Perfectionist: Perfectionist stories set excessively high goals for themselves and feel like imposters when they fall short. They often experience self-doubt and worry about their ability to measure up. (If I don't do it perfectly, I'm an imposter)
Where might we learn this?: We might be told off for getting 95% on a test rather than 100%, or berated for a small mistake meaning we always aim for perfect.
Alternative insight: Encourage your child to set realistic goals and emphasise that mistakes are opportunities for learning. (And the same for us too!)
2. The Super person: These individuals push themselves to work harder than those around them to prove they're not imposters. They feel the need to succeed in all aspects of life. (If I don't match up to everyone else, I'm an imposter)
Where might we learn this?: We might have been constantly compared to a higher achieving sibling, or been exposed to role models who appear to 'do it all'.
Alternative insight: Help your child understand the importance of balance and that their worth isn't determined by their productivity. Praise them as a human and for their efforts, rather than solely their achievements. (And the same for us too!)
3. The Natural Genius: Natural Geniuses judge their competence based on ease and speed rather than their efforts. They feel shame when they can't do something quickly or fluently. (If I don't do it quickly and easily, I'm an imposter)
Where might we learn this?: Being labelled as gifted or talented and receiving praise for how intelligent/talented we are and how things come easily to us.
Alternative insight: Praise effort and persistence rather than innate ability. Encourage your child to embrace the learning process. (And the same for us too!)
4. The Soloist: Soloists feel they need to accomplish tasks on their own, without help or assistance. (If I don't do it on my own, I'm an imposter)
Where might we learn this?: There are a few places this might come to light, for example lack of support or help in childhood tasks, praise for independence and self-reliance or criticism for asking for help. Sometimes it might be an unstable home environments where self-reliance was necessary or cultural values that prioritise individual achievement.
Alternative insight: Model asking for help and collaboration. Teach that teamwork is a strength, not a weakness. (And the same for us too!)
5. The Expert: Experts measure their competence based on "what" and "how much" they know or can do. They fear being exposed as inexperienced or unknowledgeable. (If I don't do know the answer, I'm an imposter)
Where might we learn this?: Again, there are lots of examples. Educational systems that prioritise factual knowledge, receiving praise only for knowing answers or having information, family environments where being "right" is highly valued or fear of embarrassment for not knowing something. We might also have had early role models who appear to know everything.
Alternative insight: Encourage curiosity and a love of learning rather than focusing on knowing everything. Don't know the answer? Cool, where can we look to learn more and find out? (And the same for us too!)
Remember, these archetypes aren't fixed categories, and individuals may exhibit traits from multiple types. The goal isn't to label anyone, but to understand the various ways imposter syndrome can manifest so we can better support them.
Building Resilience (even if you hate the R word)
Resilience got a bad rap over the last few years. Come to this with curiosity, and even learn together. So, let's build further in top of this. Here are some actionable insights to help build resilience, at any age.
While we can't (and shouldn't) completely shelter children from challenging experiences, you can help them build resilience and a healthy self-image. Here are some strategies:
1. Praise Effort, Not Just Results
Instead of saying "You're so smart!" when your child gets a good grade, try "You worked really hard on that assignment. Your effort paid off!" This teaches them to value hard work and perseverance over innate ability.
For ourselves, we can also take a moment to start accepting the compliments with a "thank you" and taking a moment to reflect back over the effort that got us there.
2. Normalise Mistakes and Failure
Share your own experiences with failure and what you learned from them. Psychologist Carol Dweck's research on growth mindset shows that viewing challenges as opportunities for growth rather than threats to self-worth is crucial for resilience. Ask - "what did we learn here for next time?"
As parents, you might share if you made a mistake, how you're being kind to yourself and what you're learning.
3. Encourage Authenticity
Help your child understand that their unique qualities are what make them valuable. As Brené Brown says in her book, "The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting,":
"The goal of parenting is not to turn out perfect children, but to raise children who have the courage to be vulnerable and imperfect."
Spend time getting to know yourself too. What's important to you? What do you stand for and against? What lights you up? Where can you embrace imperfection?
4. Model Self-Compassion
Children learn by example. When you make a mistake, resist the urge to berate yourself. Instead, model self-compassion. "I made a mistake, and that's okay. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. What can I learn from this?"
You can find some insights for encouraging self-compassion in children here in the Greater Good Magazine from Berkeley University,
5. Teach Emotional Intelligence
Help your children identify and express their emotions. This builds self-awareness, a crucial skill for managing imposter feelings. As Marc Brackett writes in "Permission to Feel,": "Emotion skills are the key to unlocking the potential inside each one of us." There are fantastic books and resources out there for this, here's a blog to start with.
6. Expose Them to Diverse Role Models
Show your children examples of success that don't fit the 'traditional' mould. This helps counteract the narrow definitions of success that often fuel imposter feelings.
Create an "Inspiration Board" in your home. This can be a physical bulletin board, a digital collage, or even a dedicated album on your phone or tablet.
Here's how to make it effective:
Include a diverse range of role models across various fields, backgrounds, and paths to success. This could include scientists, artists, athletes, activists, entrepreneurs, and more.
Go beyond just famous figures. Include local community leaders, family members, or even peers who have overcome challenges or achieved personal goals.
For each role model, include a brief story or quote that highlights their journey, challenges they've overcome, or unconventional paths they've taken.
Regularly update the board together with your child. Discuss why you're adding each new person and what makes their story inspiring.
Encourage your child to suggest additions to the board. This helps them actively engage in seeking out diverse examples of success.
Use the board as a conversation starter. Refer to it when your child faces challenges or expresses self-doubt.
7. Encourage a Growth Mindset
Teach your children that abilities and intelligence can be developed. This helps them see challenges as opportunities to grow rather than threats to their self-worth.
Here's an awesome blog on 8 activities you can do with kids to promote a growth mindset from Positive Psychology.
Want this even more actionable?
10 Practical Examples and Action Points
1. When your child says "I can't do this," encourage them to add "yet" to the end of the sentence. "I can't do this yet." (and bonus points for reminding them they're valuable regardless!)
2. Create a "Failure List" to celebrate together, listing setbacks and what was learned from each. This normalises failure as part of the learning process.
3. Have regular "feelings check-ins" where everyone in the family shares how they're feeling, without having to change or judge this. This builds emotional vocabulary and normalises talking about emotions.
4. When watching movies or reading books together, discuss the characters' feelings and motivations. This builds empathy and emotional intelligence. (Top tip: The Inside Out movies are ace for this!)
5. Create a "Strength Spotlight" where you regularly highlight each family member's unique strengths and how they contribute to the family.
6. Practice gratitude together. At dinner, have each person share something they're grateful for about themselves and others.
7. When your child achieves something, ask them to reflect on the process. "What was challenging about this? How did you overcome those challenges? What was your favourite bit?"
8. Share stories from your own life about times you felt like an imposter and how you worked through those feelings - and how they didn't stop you.
9. Encourage your child to try new things without the pressure of being immediately good at them. Celebrate the courage it takes to be a beginner.
10. Help your child develop a positive self-talk habit. When they express self-doubt, ask "What would you say to a friend in this situation?" and encourage them to talk to themselves with the same kindness.
Bonus 11: As part of emotional intelligence and regulation, helping children know the power of breathwork is incredible. Here's an awesome resource.
Gamechanger: The Power of Role Modelling
I wish I put this right at the start, please don't underestimate this.
One of the most powerful tools you have as a parents is role modelling. Children are constantly watching and learning from us. By working on our own imposter feelings and openly discussing our experiences, we show our children that it's normal to have doubts and that these feelings can be overcome.
We can tell children they're 'enough' even in the face of struggles, but the most powerful thing we will do is treat ourselves that way, as that's what they see.
Psychologist Becky Kennedy, in her book "Good Inside," emphasises the importance of this: "When we role model regulation, repair, and resilience, we give our children the gift of knowing that challenges are a normal part of being human—and that they have the capacity to work through hard things."
Everything that you do to embrace imperfection, self compassion and getting to know yourself is seen.
Embracing Authenticity
Helping children embrace their authentic selves is crucial; the opposite of imposter is authentic, after all.
This means celebrating their unique qualities, interests, and quirks, even (especially) when they don't conform to societal norms.
As Philippa Perry writes in "The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read," "Your child is not a project to be improved upon, but a fellow human to be understood." By truly seeing and accepting our children for who they are, we give them the foundation to trust in their own worth.
Teaching Metacognition (i.e. understanding thought processes)
One powerful tool in navigating imposter moments is metacognition - thinking about our thinking.
Teaching children that they are not their thoughts, but rather the observer of their thoughts, can be incredibly empowering.
A simple exercise to introduce this concept is the "Thought Bubble" technique. When your child expresses a negative thought about themselves, encourage them to imagine that thought in a bubble floating above their head. They can then choose whether to pop the bubble (dismiss the thought) or let it float away on its own.
There are tonnes of exercises and resources out there for this.
Some will find it valuable to consider the concept of the inner critic - and that we all have one. Asking kids to acknowledge what the inner critic says, but what would they choose to say/do instead?
Here's another blog on this.
The Importance of Community
Remember, you're not in this alone. Building a supportive community for both yourself and your child can make a huge difference. This might include family members, friends, teachers, coaches, or mental health professionals.
As the African proverb says, "It takes a village to raise a child." Don't be afraid to reach out for support when you need it.
Conclusion
While we can't completely prevent our children from experiencing imposter moments, we can equip them with the tools to navigate these feelings effectively. By fostering resilience, emotional intelligence, and self-compassion, we give our children the best chance at developing a strong, authentic sense of self.
Remember, this is a journey for both you and your child. Be patient with yourself and with them. As you work on these skills together, you're not just helping them navigate their potential future imposter moments - you're building a stronger, more compassionate relationship with your child.
By addressing imposter moments head-on, we're doing just that - raising a generation of children who are more self-aware, compassionate, and resilient. And that's something we can all feel genuinely proud of.
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