We've all been there - a friend, colleague, or loved one confides in us that they're feeling like an imposter. (And you think "heck, yes me too!")
Whether it's in their professional life or personal adventures, these feelings can be overwhelming. As someone who cares, you want to help, but it's not always clear how. I was asked this during a talk I did recently, so here we go.
I wanted to make this blog into a starting insight to offering meaningful support while respecting boundaries and creating a safe space for open conversation. You don't have to be (and shouldn't) be their therapist, but it doesn't stop you being able to support. We don't have to do this on our own.
Remember, everyone is different - I've also given some examples at the end too.
My Mantra: "Normalise, Don't Minimise"
When someone shares their imposter feelings, it's tempting to jump in with reassurance. "Don't be silly, you're brilliant!" While well-intentioned, this approach can sometimes make the person feel dismissed or misunderstood. Has that ever happened to you? I know it happened to me over the years.
Instead, try normalising and acknowledging their experience without minimising their feelings. Thank them for sharing with you, it takes a lot to open up about this sometimes. If it feels right, you can still add a genuine compliment in there too (make it specific where you can).
You might say, "Thank you for sharing that with me, that sounds like a lot to navigate. I wanted to reassure you it's actually incredibly common to have these imposter moments, especially when we're facing new challenges or growing in our roles. I've really admired you stepping up recently and I really value you as a friend. If you feel like you want to, could you tell me more about what's making you feel this way?"
This approach acknowledges their feelings, opens up the conversation, and shows that you're there to listen and understand, but only if they're ready to share more. Remember, you're not here to fix or change how they feel.
If they say no, it can be valuable to remind them of your support or simply say "that's ok, is there anything I can do to support?".
Active Listening and Curious Questions
If they're comfortable continuing the conversation, really supercharge your active listening. Remember, active listening is about is understanding, rather than thinking about what you're going to say next. Take a moment to process what they've said, and give them your full attention. Helping someone feel heard is a gift.
If appropriate, ask curious, kind questions to understand further. Always preface these with a reminder that they don't have to answer if they're not comfortable, and by explaining that you're asking questions to understand. This will really depend on the relationship between you both. Situation dependent, you might also reiterate that what they share won't go any further.
You might ask:
"If you're okay sharing, is there a specific situation or event that has brought this up for you recently?"
"What would you say to a friend or colleague if they were in your position and feeling this way?" (or you might be able to say "what would you say if this was me?")
"If you're open to it, could we look at some evidence that might contradict you being an imposter?"
"What could you need right now? Is there anything I can support you with?"
You might simply say "tell me more" and often people will find benefit simply in sharing
You might reflect back what you're hearing along the way. "What I'm hearing is that you're feeling like an imposter because you failed the exam, and feel as though you should have passed it?".
Remember, the goal isn't to solve their problem, but to help them articulate and be heard in a safe, supportive environment.
Understanding Imposter Syndrome
It can be helpful to share some context about the imposter phenomenon. Explain that it's incredibly common, especially (ironically) among high-achievers and in fields where the stakes are high and we're constantly learning. Be clear that it isn't a personal fault, or a medical condition, whilst remembering there is support if it's impacting them. In all honesty, I avoid using the word syndrome as people immediately think of it as a fault or diagnosis.
You might say, "Did you know that an estimated 70% of people experience imposter moments at some point in their lives? It's particularly common in situations where we're pushing ourselves and facing new challenges."
Highlight that feeling like an imposter doesn't mean they are one. In fact, it often indicates that you're growing and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. It's not a fault or a flaw, but a common experience that many successful people go through.
Sharing Your Own Story
If you've experienced imposter moments yourself, sharing your story can be powerful. However, always ask permission first. You might say, "I've actually had similar experiences. Would it be helpful if I shared how I've dealt with these feelings? No pressure if you'd rather not."
If they agree, share your experience briefly, focusing on how you navigated through those feelings. Be honest about the challenges, but also highlight the strategies that helped you.
Famous Faces of Imposter Syndrome
It can be reassuring to know that even highly successful* people experience imposter syndrome, in fact, especially those going out and doing big things. The irony.
You could share some examples, such as:
Michelle Obama has spoken openly about her struggles with imposter syndrome, even as First Lady of the United States.
Maya Angelou, the renowned poet and author, once said, "I have written eleven books, but each time I think, 'Uh oh, they're going to find out now. I've run a game on everybody, and they're going to find me out.'"
Albert Einstein reportedly experienced self-doubt throughout his career, despite his groundbreaking contributions to science.
If you work in a particular industry, you might want to keep a few examples in your back pocket that seem apt. Googling 'celebrities who feel like imposters' won't take you long to compile a huge list.
These examples illustrate that imposter syndrome isn't a reflection of actual ability or success, but a common experience even among the most accomplished individuals.
*And, we get to define success. What does success even mean?
Reflecting Accomplishments
Often, when we're in the grip of imposter moments, we lose sight of our achievements. If you feel it's appropriate, you could gently reflect their accomplishments back to them.
You might say, "I understand you're feeling doubtful about your abilities right now. If you're open to it, I'd love to share what I've observed. I've seen you successfully handle [specific example]. You've also received positive feedback about [another example]."
Be specific in your examples. This isn't about empty praise, but about helping them see concrete evidence of their competence.
You could also look together at reflecting back on "what got me here?", and look through step by step their accomplishments and their journey to date.
Asking How You Can Support
Remember, your role is to be a supportive friend or colleague, not a therapist or coach. It's important to ask how you can best support them moving forward. You might say, "I'm here to support you in whatever way feels helpful. What do you think would be most useful?"
This puts the power back in their hands and allows them to define what support looks like for them. We aren't here to fix, because they're not broken.
Signposting Further Support
While your support as a friend or colleague is valuable, it's also important to signpost professional resources where necessary. You might say, "I'm always here to talk, but there are also professional resources available if you'd like more structured support." If imposter feelings are causing a continuous, negative impact in someone's life, such as affecting their sleep, further support can be really valuable.
Some options you could suggest include:
Counselling services or Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs) if available
The GP or the NHS
Professional coaching services
Helplines for confidential support
Local support groups, mentoring programmes or peer support networks
Books or online resources about managing imposter syndrome
(There's lots of blog posts on here too! - I did a whole podcast episode here too)
Practical Strategies
While it's not your job to 'fix' their imposter moments, you can suggest some practical strategies they might find helpful. Again, ask permission.
It's also important to highlight that different things help different people, and it is about finding what helps individuals.
1. Keeping a 'wins' journal to record daily successes, no matter how small, so they start noticing their daily efforts
2. Practicing self-compassion and treating themselves as they would a friend (Dr Kristin Neff has some ace resources on this here.)
3. Reframing 'failures' as learning opportunities (whilst also remembering compassion)
4. Setting realistic expectations and celebrating progress, not just perfection - what does success look like here? Is that realistic?
5. Seeking regular feedback to gain a more objective view of their performance
Closing Reminders
Remind them of what they mean to you as a human, beyond their achievements. It can also be helpful to reiterate that feeling like an imposter doesn't mean they are one, nor does it have to stop them going after what's important to them.
Following Up
After your initial conversation, make a point to follow up if it feels right, but always respect their (and your) boundaries. You might say, "I've been thinking about our conversation. I'm here if you ever want to talk more, but no pressure if you don't."
Creating a Supportive Environment
On a broader level, we can all contribute to creating an environment that supports those feeling like imposters. This might involve:
1. Encouraging open conversations about challenges and self-doubt, promoting a psychologically safe environment.
2. Celebrating successes and individual achievements
3. Providing regular, constructive feedback
4. Promoting a growth mindset where mistakes are seen as learning opportunities
5. Challenging perfectionism and unrealistic standards
Remember, You're Not Alone
If you're reading this because you're supporting someone, remember that you're doing important work. Supporting each other through these common but challenging experiences is part of what makes our relationships and communities strong.
And if you're reading this because you're experiencing imposter syndrome yourself, I want you to know that you're not alone. Your feelings are valid, but they don't define your worth or your abilities. You are capable, you are valuable, and you belong.
Remember, feeling like an imposter doesn't make you one. It often means you're growing, learning, and pushing yourself to new heights. And that, my friends, is something to be celebrated.
Bringing this all together, some examples:
Remember, everyone is different. All conversations are different. You aren't here to fix or dive into their past, but instead to be compassionate and kind. I've made these examples a little more akin to real life, so please make these context dependent to you (e.g. if you'd never call someone babe, imagine your own version!).
Conversation 1:
A friend shares with you their worries about being a fraud at work and being promoted.
Friend: "I just feel like such a fraud at work. I don't think I deserve this promotion."
You: "Thanks for sharing that with me, babe. Being promoted can be a lot of change. Just a kind reminder that it's actually incredibly common to have these imposter-y moments, especially when we're facing a new challenge. I've really admired how you've stepped forward for this opportunity, and I value you so much as a friend. Would it help to chat and you tell me more about what's happening?"
Friend: "I'd love that. If I'm honest, I just feel like I don't know enough. Everyone else seems so confident and knowledgeable."
You: "I hear you. As humans we often find ourselves comparing to others. Only if it feels right, is there something specific that's happened?"
Friend: "I guess it's mainly the new project I'm leading. I'm worried I'll mess it up."
You: "That's a big responsibility. It's natural to feel some self-doubt. You know, if you're open to it, what if I reminded you of some of the things you've handled like a pro before? For example, I remember how successfully you handled that big presentation in your last job and you aced it."
Friend: "I suppose that did go well..."
You: "It really did. I've seen you tackle complex problems before, and you don't have to do it alone. Is there anything I can do to support you?"
Friend: "Just talking about it really helps, actually. Thanks for listening."
You: "I'm always here if you want to talk more. And remember, feeling like an imposter doesn't make you one. It often means you're growing and pushing yourself. That's something to be proud of."
Conversation 2:
A colleague is worried they're not cut out for this job.
Colleague: "I don't think I'm cut out for this job. Everyone else seems to know what they're doing, but I feel lost half the time."
You: "Thank you for opening up to me about this. It takes courage to share these feelings. You're not alone in this, having these moments is so common, especially when we're in new or challenging roles. I've noticed how dedicated you are and how quickly you're learning. If you're comfortable, could you tell me more about what's making you feel this way?"
Colleague: "Well, I keep having to ask questions about things I feel I should already know."
You: "I see. If you're okay with me asking, what would you say to a friend if they were in your position and feeling this way about asking questions?"
Colleague: "I guess... I'd tell them it's okay to ask questions and that's how we learn. In fact, I need to remember that myself. Thank you."
You: "I just want to remind you that I love working with you, and I really don't mind how many questions you ask me - and I hope you don't mind me asking them of you either. Always here to chat."
Conversation 3:
A friend has been invited to speak at a conference.
Friend: "I've been invited to speak at a conference, but I'm thinking of turning it down. Who am I to be speaking in front of all those experts?"
You: "Wow, that's a fantastic opportunity! I appreciate you opening up about your worries and a kind reminder that it's actually very common to feel this way when we're facing new challenges. I've always admired your knowledge and passion in this field. If you're open to it, could we look at some evidence that shows why you're qualified for this?"
Friend: "I'm not sure there is any..."
You: "Well, if it's okay, I'd like to reflect back some of your accomplishments. You've published three papers in this area, you've been working in the field for five years, and you always receive positive feedback from your peers. These are real, tangible achievements."
Friend: "I suppose when you put it that way..."
You: "It's okay to feel nervous, but remember, feeling like an impostor doesn't mean you are one. Is there any way I can support you in preparing for this talk?"
Conversation 4:
A loved one feels to be a parenting fraud!
Loved one: "I feel like I'm failing as a parent. Everyone else seems to have it all together, and I'm just struggling to keep up."
You: "Thank you for trusting me with these feelings. Parenting is tough, and it's so common to feel this way. I've seen how much love and effort you put into raising your kids. If you feel like sharing, is there anything in particular bringing up these feelings?"
Loved one: "It's just... social media, I guess. Everyone's posting about their perfect families and I feel like I'm falling short."
You: "I understand. Social media can really skew our perceptions. If you're comfortable, can I share a bit about my own experience with this?"
Loved one: "Sure, that would be helpful."
You: "I've felt the same way many times, as if I'm the world's worst parent. What helped me was remembering that people only post their highlight reels. Everyone struggles, even if they don't show it. Your kids are happy, healthy, and loved. That's what really matters."
Loved one: "You know how relieved I am to hear this?"
Conversation 5:
A friend can't shake feelings of being a fraud, and needs further support.
Friend: "I can't shake these feelings of being a fraud. It's really getting me down and affecting my work and personal life. I'm struggling to sleep and I'm constantly anxious about being 'found out'."
You: "Thank you for sharing that with me. I can hear how much this is affecting you, and I'm really sorry you're going through this. It sounds incredibly challenging. These feelings are common, but it's important to take them seriously when they're impacting your wellbeing like this. Your feelings are valid, but I want you to know that they don't define your worth or abilities. Is there any additional support you've explored, many people find benefit in doing that, I know I have. Would it help for us to chat more and see what your options might be?"
Friend: "Yes, please. I think I need some help dealing with this."
You: "Hey, we all need help now and again, and it can be so beneficial. This is of course your choice. Have you considered speaking with a professional counsellor or therapist? They can provide strategies to manage these feelings and work through the underlying challenges. Many workplaces also offer Employee Assistance Programs which provide confidential counselling services."
Friend: "I hadn't thought of that. Do you think it would help?"
You: "Many people find it incredibly helpful, and feeling this way can sometimes be complex to having someone else help us navigate our thoughts is useful"
Friend: "Those sound like good options to start. I'm a bit nervous about reaching out though."
You: "That's completely understandable. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Would it be helpful if I helped you research some of these options or even sat with you while you made an initial call?"
Friend: "That would be really helpful, thank you."
You: "Of course. I'm here to support you however I can. And please remember, while you're working through this, you're not alone. I'm always here to listen, and these feelings, though tough, often indicate that you're growing and challenging yourself. That's something to be proud of, even if it doesn't feel that way right now."
Friend: "Thank you so much for your support and understanding."
You: "Anytime. Let's look into some of these options together, and remember, there's no pressure. We'll find the support that feels right for you."
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